Two Marriageable People

this is today's devotional from Elisabeth Elliot, whom i deeply admire and respect. this is great advice...


What Holly thought would be an ordinary Sunday evening turned into an enchanted evening. She met Scott.

"I'd seen him around church a few times, but it's a big church and we had never spoken. During the social hour following the service we got into conversation. He offered to drive me home, and--well, you know the story. He started calling me, we'd talk for hours on the phone. He decided to join the singles group, hung around afterward and we'd talk, and finally he actually asked me out. Sometimes he picked up the tab, but usually I paid my own way. I didn't want to feel obligated to him.

"Once when we had dinner together he prayed,'' Holly confided to me, "thanking God for our friendship and for the fact that the singles group could witness a man and a woman who could be good friends without falling in love."

Without falling in love. Uh-huh. I've heard that story from both men and women, perhaps hundreds of times.

Who did Scott think he was kidding? Had it not crossed his mind that one of them might fall? One of the two always does. Poor Holly had fallen flat. She was in her early twenties and attractive, yet she told me she "had a problem." She did--her heart was on hold.

When one's heart is on hold, you do what Holly did--a lot of praying and crying and hoping for the telephone to ring. Scott kept her hopes up. He invited her to a big family wedding, even to the reception meant only for family and close friends. Surely he must be getting on toward serious. Would he put words to his feelings? Well, almost. He talked about marriage, telling Holly he often dreamed of having a wife and how he hoped to find one. He told her how much he wanted children, offering her his ideas on raising them. The time came when Holly could stand it no longer.

They were eating pizza by the fire in her living room. Scott always accepted her invitations. Once or twice he had brought flowers or a bottle of wine.

Tonight he was enjoying the pizza, chattering away about a game he'd been to. But Holly's mind wasn't on the game.

"Scott," she said hesitantly, "we need to talk about something."

"Yeah?"

"I mean--like, we've been, you know, friends long enough."

The man was startled. He took a huge bite of pizza and said nothing.

''This is really hard for me to say, but, Scott, if you don't have any intentions of, well, a real relationship, I can't spend any more time alone with you. I've felt so comfortable with you. I can be myself, you know? My real self, I mean. I've told you a lot of--well, of my heart. But if it doesn't--if you aren't, you know...." Her voice trailed off.

The silence was thundering. Holly looked at Scott. Scott looked at the fire. After another bite and another gulp he said he couldn't see himself married to her. The truth was, of course, that for months Holly had been seeing herself married to him. To her, a "real relationship" meant engagement, although she didn't use that word. In fact, she told me, she had never voiced any desire whatsoever to be married to him. Hadn't she? Scott might be a little obtuse, but he knew what a "real relationship" had to mean. He thought he was forestalling any such complication by telling Holly about his hopes. Didn't she catch on that she wasn't what he was looking for?

So here are two marriageable people who would like to be married, though not in both cases to each other. What's wrong? Both the why and the how, it seems to me, are wrong.

Note that Scott took no risks, as far as he knew. Talked to a girl after church, drove her home--pretty innocuous, spur-of-the moment gestures. Nobody would make anything out of that. She was nice and let him talk about what interested him. So he started going to the singles group, talked to a few others, phoned Holly now and then, went to dinner and let her pay her half (didn't want her to "think anything," didn't want to put her down by turning down her offer to pay). Then, because once or twice he thought maybe he caught a little glimmer in her eyes, he put across an important message--in a prayer. She couldn't suspect any nefarious designs here, could she? When he took her to the family wedding she should have known she was just a sister to him.

She didn't. It was quite out of the question for her not to think of marriage. Any smallest sign of a man's interest was a big thing. She tried to deny it, tried to tell herself not to "think anything," but she couldn't refrain.

The man didn't mean to put her heart on hold. How did it happen? Had he wronged her? Was he being dishonest, unfair? What was he supposed to do--take 'em all out, give 'em equal time? He was no Casanova, just an ordinary guy. He meant well. He'd tried to play it cool. The trouble is you can't play it cool with a powder keg.

I wonder if it isn't time for Christian young people to discard the currently accepted methods of mate-finding, which haven't scored higher in marital success than the ancient matchmaker method. I offer the following as humble suggestions for the why and the how of finding a mate. They don't constitute the Law of Sinai, but I ask you to think soberly, even to pray, about them.

You men are the ones on whom God originally laid the burden of responsibility as head, initiator, provider. Why do you want to marry? If Scott had given sufficient thought and prayer to that one, perhaps he would not have been the bull in the china shop of Holly's heart. God ordained marriage. God provided the equipment needed for reproduction. But it is not his plan for every man to marry. How about getting down to business, when you reach the age of responsibility, and specifically asking God whether marriage is, in fact, a part of his plan for you? In order to listen to him without distraction you will need to:

Stop everything--intimacy, dating, any "special relationship."

Be silent before God. Lay your life before him, willing to accept the path he shows you. If you get no answer, do nothing in that direction now. Wait.

If it seems the answer is yes, go to a spiritual mother or father (someone older in the faith than you are, someone with wisdom and common sense who knows how to pray) and ask them to pray with you and for you about a wife. Listen to their counsel. If they know somebody they think suitable, take them seriously.

Study the story of Abraham's servant who was sent to find a wife for Isaac (Genesis 24). He went to the logical place where he might find women. He prayed silently, watched quietly. The story is rich in lessons. Find them.

Keep your eyes open--in your own "garden." You don't have to survey all the roses before you pick the one for your bud vase. When you spot the sort of woman you think you're looking for, watch her from a respectful distance. Much can be learned without conversation, let alone "relationship." Ask about her of others who know her and whom you can trust to keep their mouths shut. Does she give evidence of being a godly woman? A womanly one? Expect God to lead. "Let the one to whom I shall say…Iet her be the one whom thou hast appointed" (Genesis 24:14 RSV).

Proceed with extreme caution, praying over every move. By this I do not mean mumbling prayers while you're charging across the church campus to ask her for a date. I mean giving yourself whatever it takes, whether weeks or years, to take his yoke and learn of him. It is "good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.''

Talk to her in a casual setting. You will be able to discover if she is a woman of serious purpose. Do not mention "relationships," marriage, feelings.

Give yourself time to think. Go back to your spiritual mother or father. (In our family, our own parents were our spiritual parents as well, and they prayed for four specific people to marry four of their children. It happened.)
I'm not going to outline the chronology of dating. I would only suggest that you start small--a simple lunch somewhere rather than a gala dinner. You pick up the tab. Treat her like a lady, act like a gentleman. (See my book The Mark of a Man for more guidelines.)

If you find yourself falling for a girl who offers you only casual friendship, or worse, the cold shoulder, first get it settled with God that she is the one to pursue. Even if a woman tells a man to "get lost" but he knows in his heart she's the right one, he can still wait and pray for God's timing. I know of many married couples whose courtship began this way.

The time will come when your conversations have revealed, without direct inquiry, whether this woman would be prepared to accept your destiny and your headship; whether she is maternal, a homeworker--in short, whether she is what you've been praying for.

It is a great mistake to put too much stock in physical beauty or in thrills and chills. Neither has anything to do with a sound foundation for a marriage. Remember that the love of 1 Corinthians 13 is action, not a glandular condition. The love that makes a marriage is basically a deep respect and an unselfish kindness. That's pleasant to live with.

Now a few words, and only a few, for you women. I know--oh, how well I know--your position. Because we are women we are made to be responders, not initiators (see Let Me Be a Woman). This means that the burden of responsibility of seeking and wooing a mate does not belong to us. To us belongs the waiting.

This does not mean inactivity. It means first of all a positive, active placing of our trust in him who loves us, does all things well, and promises to crown us with everlasting joy. It means next a continued obedience in whatever God has given us to do today, without allowing our longing to "slay the appetite of our living," as Jim Elliot once wrote to me, long before God gave us the green light to marry. It means just what Paul meant when he wrote from prison to the Philippian Christians, "Don't worry over anything whatever; tell God every detail of your needs in earnest and thankful prayer, and the peace of God, which transcends human understanding, will keep constant guard over your hearts and minds as they rest in Christ Jesus."

Often the awkward scenario depicted in Holly and Scott's story is more the woman's fault than the man's. That is because women generally allow too many liberties, make themselves too available, and press for explanations when they should remain quiet. It is foolhardy to stick your neck out that way. When your heart is on hold, it's best quietly to decline any further invitations rather than to try to "preserve the friendship." It can't be done. Better to simply back off.

If our supreme goal is to follow Christ, the rule of our lives will be my life for yours. We will be directing our energies far more toward the will of God and the service of others than to our own heart's longings. And that, believe me, is the best possible training course for marriage.

Copyright© 1989, by Elisabeth Elliot
all rights reserved.

blessed is the woman who trusts in the Lord

i got this email from my Uncle John this morning. it was just what i needed to hear.. how precious is he?!?


Hello dearly loved one,

I awoke this morning in Slovakia, thinking and praying for you.
You are such a special child of God and He is watching over you.
We do not know His will yet regarding NP or other.
What He does love and want is our faith and trust and hope in Him.

Blessed is the woman who trusts in the Lord.

Jer. 17:5 This is what the LORD says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD. 6 He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. 7 “But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. 8 He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

a GREAT family

this is the Pehrson family and they're my favorite family EVER.

David (Dr. Pehrson, to me), the dad, is my boss and has been for the last four years. he is HANDS DOWN thee best boss i've ever had in my whole 13 years of working. :-)

Elizabeth, the mom, is my hero. she's who i want to be when i grow up... if that ever happens. ;-) 

i love this family for so many reasons. i LOVE the way they do life. they know how to have fun. they know how to extend grace. they know how to make eternal investments. they're passionate about raising godly generations. they're REAL. God has brought the Pehrsons into my life to show me what His desire for family looks like... a godly leader, proper submission and grace-based parenting. 

Clay Scroggins started a series at NPCC on sunday called "I Want to be Great". he asks "what makes a person great? is greatness defined by your accomplishments? your level of competence? your financial success?"

here's what Jesus says about greatness:

"Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all." (Mark 9:35) when Clay asked us to think of someone we think is great, i immediately thought of the Pehrsons. David and Elizabeth both leverage their gifts and talents on a DAILY basis to serve one another, their seven children, and others... and i am so thankful God brought them into my life to show me what great looks like. 

The Shack

i am currently rereading The Shack by William P. Young, which is hands down the best book i have ever read. and i LOVE to read. i love it i love it i love it. the main reason i love this book is because my primary love language is words of affirmation. and God has really used this story to "speak" words of affirmation when i've needed them the most. 

first of all, let me just tell you, you HAVE to read this novel for yourself. you will bawl your eyes out and feel more loved than you have ever felt in all your life. i wanted to list out some of the many lines that spoke directly to my heart. i like to imagine God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit saying these things to ME...

"God's a riot! You can always count on him to throw you a curve or two. He loves surprises, and even though you might not think it, Jessica, his timing is ALWAYS perfect."

"Don't go talk to God because you feel obligated. That won't get you any points around here. Go because it's what you want to do."

"If you let me, Jessica, I'll be the Papa you never had."

"I want to heal the wound that has grown inside you, Jessica, and between us."

"Honey, there's no easy answer that will take your pain away. Believe me, if I had one, I'd use it now. I have no magic wand to wave over you and make it all better. Life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship."

"Hasn't it always been a problem for you to embrace me as your father? And after what you've been through, Jessica, you couldn't very well handle a father right now, could you?"

"You do understand, Jess, that unless I had an object to love---or, more accurately, a someone to love---if I did not have such a relationship within myself, then I would not be capable of love at all? You would have a god who could not love. Or maybe worse, you would have a god who, when he chose, could only love as a limitation of his nature. That kind of god could possibly act without love, and that would be a disaster. And that, is surely not me."

"Jessica, I know that your heart is full of pain and anger and a lot of confusion. Together, you and I, we'll get around to some of that... But I also want you to know that there is more going on than you could imagine or understand, even if I told you. As much as you are able, rest in what trust you have in me, no matter how small, okay?"

"I would have died on the cross even if it were only for you, Jessica, but it wasn't!"

"Closed doors are just as much God's leading as open ones."

i read this quote on thursday, which was also the day i got a call that i didn't get the job... the job that i really believed God had opened a doorway to. how could i be upset after reading a quote like that?

it just seems like so many doors in my life are being closed more than they are being opened. what's up with that? i just think He wants to break me. and i'm open to that. in fact, i'm so broken right now that all that really interests me is learning more and more about what it means to surrender. i just want what He wants for me. and right now, that's for my undivided attention and submission. i've been so interested in what God can DO for me, i've been missing out on what He wants to SAY to me.

today, i am grateful for closed doors. i choose to trust God's leading. i'm listening...

my weekend in nicaragua

i got to go to my sissy's ultrasound appointment and see my nephew's face! he's a little shy, so he's snuggled up to his mom's placenta... (mike didn't want to be left out, so that's his hand above esther...)
 

this is me at 0 weeks and esther at 30 weeks! :)

 this is where we watched the sun set sat night

 

mike & esther taking a walk on the beach

 this is the life...

where i'm at in life...

"...my eyes at times can see
the very dying form of One
Who suffered there for me.
and from my smitten heart, with tears,
two wonders i confess:
the wonders of His glorious love,
and my own worthlessness."

10 random things about me

so, i've been tagged...by my friend Jamie's blog, and i am supposed to list 10 random facts about myself. here you go!!!

1. i have two different thumbs.

2. the space shuttle, Challenger, blew up on my 7th birthday. :(

3. i legally changed my name on my 19th birthday.

4. i have never done any illegal drugs. just say NO!

5. i have moved approximately 38 times in my 29 years. the longest i've ever stayed in one home is 2 years. (must be why i'm an "Adapter" on the Right Path Inventory.)

6. i am an ESFJ on the Myers-Briggs, which means i am a "Caregiver".

7. i don't watch TV...unless i'm on the treadmill, then it's Lifetime or HGTV.. and ONLY to pass the time.

8. i've known since about the 3rd grade, that i'd marry a man whose name started with a "J". weird, i know... what might be even more strange, or ironic, i should say, is that i've dated 6 different guys whose names start with a "J". none have led to marriage. maybe i should be more open to other letters...

9. i'm going to be an aunt for the first time on 4/23 but my sister and her husband won't tell anyone the baby bun's name until he's born!!!

10. i own every Nicholas Sparks book that has been published. my favorite is The Wedding.

now i get to tag some friends! if i tag you, then you must post a blog like this with 10 facts about you on your own blog then let me know! I tag Bekah, Mike, Dave, and my Uncle John. have fun!