heavy-hearted

i got a call from my dad's sister today. she told me that my dad called his parents this morning, letting them know he has been in jail for the past 6 months and 3 weeks. he was calling to tell them he had just been released. the last time anyone in our family spoke with him was last July. my heart is heavy today. my dad just learned this morning that he is a grandfather. what a wake-up call. it breaks my heart on so many levels. please pray with me that he won't start drinking again. please pray that his time in jail will be a catalyst for change, for growth, for relationships to reemerge and be restored.

Lord, i want to love like you do. i can't love my dad on my own. he is so unlovable. he has hurt me more than words can convey. but he is Your child, Your beloved. You made him and You love him. help me to see him through Your eyes. please continue to heal my wounds, as only You can do. please open my heart and use me to love him through You. he desperately needs to be loved on. please show me how.

Is it good for me?

Author: Elisabeth Elliot

Yesterday we looked at a piece of property on the sea. There were lovely woods to one side, two tall, scraggly, very picturesque pine trees on the other, huge rocks which turn pink in the sunset below, and in front miles and miles of blue ocean.

It is not always easy to know whether a thing we long for is a temptation from Satan to distract us from obedience and make us discontent, or something God actually wants to give us and therefore wants us to pray for. There is no such thing as something "too good to be true." God is loving and lavishly generous and has promised to give what is good--that is, what He who is omniscient knows to be good for us.

So today I asked Him to give me the prayers He wants me to pray and to give or withhold anything according to his plan for me. Nothing is too big to ask of Him, not even an ocean lot. It is God's business to decide if it is good for me. It is my business to obey Him.

"No good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly" (Ps 84:11).

Stars in a Dark World

Author: Elisabeth Elliot

One of the letters the apostle Paul wrote from prison begs his friends to think and feel alike, to love, to have the "same turn of mind, and a common care for unity" (Phil 2:2 NEB). In such company there would be no room for rivalry or personal vanity. Each one would be thinking the others better, seeking to put their interests first.

Obedience, humility, cheerfulness ("Do all you have to do without complaint or wrangling") are rare in a warped and crooked world--nearly nonexistent, in fact, where each lives for his own ends. If a marriage counselor were to ask each partner, "What are your goals?" and the answer were "How can I best serve my husband or wife? What can I do to further his or her goals?" the counseling period would be over, the bill low. Any two people, any community of Christians who set themselves to look only to the other's interest would be a rare and radiant thing, shining, as Paul said, "like stars in a dark world" (Phil 2:15 NEB).

In that same sense, a Christian might well pray, "Lord, make me a star."

i'm an introvert? i'm an introvert. i'm an introvert!

i took the Myers-Briggs personality profile back in college and was an ESFJ. but in the last couple of years, i have really noticed how much more introverted i have become! i just had to know for sure, so i retook the test the other day, and sure enough, i am now an ISFJ. i'm still processing the term "introvert" and i might even embrace the word someday... maybe.

maybe i've just wanted to be an extrovert, i was trying to be someone i thought i should be. but as i approach 30, i'm starting to care less what others think or what i think i should be. i'm approaching a new season, and i'm not gonna lie, i'm excited about it! i remember having a quarter-life crisis the morning of my 25th birthday. i thought, "what in the world am i doing with my life? who am i? this is so not what i pictured for myself at 25!" but as 30 looms in my near future, i'm more ready than i thought i would be. i still don't know what i'm doing with my life, but i know Who's calling the shots. i'm more in tune with who i am. i'm still not where i pictured myself at 30... but that's ok. i am no longer here for my own agenda. it's not a matter of where i'm going or what i'm doing. it's a matter of Who i am following. in John 5:30, Jesus said, "By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me." 

Lord, i have my own ideas for what i want in life. but i want to know Your ideas. i want to know Your thoughts for me. make my agenda Yours. my time here is so short. i want to live it for Your glory, not my own. i'm sorry for the years i have spent trying to fit You around the plans i had for my life.  i'm all Yours. Father, You say in 2 Samuel that if i find favor in Your eyes, You will bring me back and let me see it and Your dwelling place again. but if You say, "You are not pleased with me", then i am ready. may You do to me whatever seems good to You. i am fully surrendered to You.

blessed be Your name

i don't believe in coincidence. i do believe that God speaks to us through His Word, as well as through other people, sometimes. and when a certain verse comes my way repetitively, i believe He's really trying to get my attention.

well, yesterday, i was reading my Uncle John's blog entry for the day. i read it right after writing the post about my dad. he talks about how much he loves the lyrics to the song, Blessed be Your Name. it brought tears to my eyes, especially the last part that says, "You give and take away; my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be Your name'".

not even an hour later, i am reading my daily selection assigned to me for reading the Bible in a year. (confession: i am on aug. 25. i started 1/1/06. i'm a little behind...) i happen to be starting Job this day and i stumble upon chapter 1, verse 21: "...Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will leave this life. The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Praise the name of the LORD."

ok, so i couldn't keep reading. i had to put my Bible aside and ask the Lord, "are you trying to tell me something? either You are about to give me something or take something away. ok. i don't know what it is yet, but i do know that whatever it is, (and i happen to hope it's giving me something, Lord... maybe a husband... or a job... just being honest!) i will choose to praise You. i feel like You are preparing me for something to be added or taken from me. and i need to make the decision NOW, to say "blessed be Your name".

it made me a little nervous; i'm not gonna lie. but i thought it was really cool how in the same hour, He brought both a song and a verse into my path that said the same thing. 

stay tuned to hear about the imminent addition or subtraction. ;-)

high maintenance

i love personality profiles. i don't know why. i just love filling out surveys. so i found this link that tells you what kind of person you are based on what drink you order at Starbucks. i usually order a grande raspberry mocha, nonfat, no whip, extra hot. and this is what i am:

Personality type: High Maintenance

You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.

Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled, with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass.
Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars

ok. so i know what i like. that doesn't make me high maintenance. does it?

p.s. i happen to like my water room temperature, yes, bottled is best, preferably with a packet of Propel, gently shaken.

what?!

so, what's your Starbucks drink of choice?

happy birthday, dad

today is my dad's 53rd birthday. i'm sad though, because i can't call him or send him a card wishing him happy birthday. i don't know where he is. no one in his family knows where he is, what he's doing, or if he's even alive, for that matter. he has come in and out of my life for the last 12 years. his abandonment of me and my two sisters has been devastating. it's something i will never understand. for a long time, i struggled with anger and resentment towards God for assigning me the father He did. but i know that God doesn't make mistakes. and i know that He strategically placed me in the family He did because in order to be ME, i needed half of David's genes and half of Lisa's. and i'm pretty sure He made my mom extra amazing and loving, because He knew that i would need to be loved on a little extra without a dad. 

i feel sorry for my dad. because of his pride, selfishness, and alcoholism, he has missed out on so many things. he missed my graduation from college in 2001. he wasn't at my sister's wedding in 2005. he doesn't even know he has a grandson. his absence has left a huge hole in his 3 daughters' hearts. it's a mystery to me... 

but i know God is good. he has given me an uncle, a step-dad, and a surrogate dad who are men after God's own heart. they love the Lord, their wives, and their children with all their hearts, all their souls, and all their minds. they have all adopted me and love me just as if i was their own daughter. they each exude wisdom, strength, and honor and i am privileged to have them in my life. 

Heavenly Father, You are the giver of all good things. thank You for Uncle John, for Sid, and for Dad Elmer. thank You for always taking care of not only my basic needs but also my need of a father-figure with not one, but THREE men. i cherish every one of them. i pray for my dad today, Lord, wherever he is. i pray that he returns to You and to his family. i pray he gets the help he needs to recover and live his life for You again. i know his dreams have been shattered. i pray that You will break him of his pride and that he will have a story that will glorify You. my heart is heavy for him today, Lord, thinking of how lonely he must be on his birthday. please love on him in a special way today. let him know that You hear him. let Him know Your touch. let him know that You love him. let that be enough...

self-discipline and order

i am reading a book that Elisabeth Elliot wrote for her daughter called Let Me Be a Woman. in it she says:

"My job is over now. You are a woman, God's woman, autonomous before Him. But His disciplining of you is far from finished. If you love Him, you'll do what He says. And there can be no question as to whether He means it if only you will look at His face, be silent long enough to hear what he says. 'He calls his own sheep by name.' It was when Mary heard her name that she knew her Master in the garden after His resurrection. 'Master!' she cried, in recognition of His lordship over her.

The way you keep your house, the way you organize your time, the care you take in your personal appearance, the things you spend your money on all speak loudly about what you believe. 'The beauty of Thy peace' shines forth in an ordered life. A disordered life speaks loudly of disorder in the soul."

i struggle with the area of submission...i'm not gonna lie. i did not have a lot of discipline growing up. my mom raised my sister and me by herself and because she had to support us, she was gone a lot. i knew i could get away with just about anything. how are we to learn to believe and obey God if we have not been taught from earliest childhood to believe and obey the one(s) He puts over us? because i did not believe my mom would follow through with disciplining me, i didn't feel like i had to obey her. this way of thinking has affected my relationship with the Lord. i have no problem with believing IN God, but i do struggle with believing Him... which leads me to struggle with obedience. i know this issue will effect my future marriage if i don't work on it now. i want to be a submissive wife so badly. i want my husband to think he is the luckiest man alive. but most of all, i want my Father to look down and say to me, "Wow! It might have taken awhile, but I am so proud of the way you have learned to trust and obey Me."

if i can't trust God, who is perfect, never lets me down, never makes a mistake, never says "oops", always forgives, and loves me unconditionally, i am setting my future husband up to fail. who can live up to God?! 

Lord, i want to trust You more than anything. i have the head knowledge, i just need to grasp it in my heart. i know i rely way too much on my feelings. i ask that when i'm feeling the need to take control because i happen to know what's best, You gently whisper in my ear, that You're in control. i surrender the right that i think i have to control my life. You have never let me down. You have always provided and protected me. i need order back in my life. i need discipline. i have so much free time on my hands right now and i want to use it wisely. i am an absolute wreck without you, God... a complete mess. i don't want to have circumstantial faith. thank You for sending Your Son to this earth so that i can have a personal relationship with You. thank You for strategically placing people and books in my path that help me to grow in grace and knowledge of Your love and trustworthiness. thank You for never letting go of me. thank You for my mom. i know she did the best she could. she rebelled and went her own way for awhile, like i did. but You have redeemed her, as You have, me. thank You for Your grace, love, and mercy. it scares me to death to think of where we'd be without You. thank You for not giving up on me when i am stubborn as all get out. i love You today and i will do what You say.

a 40 day fast

my Uncle John has inspired me to do a 40 day fast. i will start today, 5/9, and go through 6/17. i want to pay a lot of extra attention to my relationship with the Lord. since being out of work, i have wasted hours upon hours and been convicted of going "booty, God, booty". i have eaten, drank, slept, and web surfed in excess. i know that being unemployed is just temporary, but i can be doing a lot more healthy and productive things with my time than what i've been doing for the last month.
over the next 40 days, i plan to...
drink only water
eat 4 small meals a day
eat no sweets or chips
fast weekly for 24 hours
sleep no more than 9 hours a night
limit internet time to 2 hours a day
walk/bike 25 miles a week
take multi/cod liver oil/calcium/super greens
be in the Word every single day
serve generously
i am hoping at the end of these 40 days to have a renewed walk with the Lord. i am so tired of living my life for me, me, me. i want to trust recklessly. i want to grow in grace and knowledge of my Savior. i want to rest in His unconditional love.

are YOU in?

power comes to its full strength in weakness

i read Passion & Purity recently and there is a prayer Elisabeth Elliot prayed often. this is my prayer tonight...

"For my loneliness, Lord - Your strength.
For my temptation to self-pity, Lord - Your strength.
For my uncontrollable longings for this man [my future husband], Lord - Your strength."

she says, "When there is real weakness, especially of the kind that surprises and humiliates us, it is our opportunity to learn what Paul had to learn through his 'thorn': the grace of God is all we need, for '...power comes to its full strength in weakness...'"

Does Prayer Work?

The answer to that depends on one's definition of work. It is necessary to know what a thing is for in order to judge whether it works. It would be senseless, for example, to say that if a screwdriver fails to drive nails into a board it doesn't "work." A screwdriver works very well for driving screws. Often we expect to arrange things according to our whims by praying about them, and when the arrangement fails to materialize we conclude that prayer doesn't work. God wants our willing cooperation in the bringing in of his kingdom. If "Thy kingdom come" is an honest prayer, we will seek to ask for whatever contributes to that end. What, after all is said and done, do you want above all? Is it "Thy will be done"? If so, leave it to Him.

Is it "My will be done"? Don't waste your time and God's by praying. Have it your way.

by Elisabeth Elliot

i love it when people say it like it is! preach it, Lis..