self-discipline and order

i am reading a book that Elisabeth Elliot wrote for her daughter called Let Me Be a Woman. in it she says:

"My job is over now. You are a woman, God's woman, autonomous before Him. But His disciplining of you is far from finished. If you love Him, you'll do what He says. And there can be no question as to whether He means it if only you will look at His face, be silent long enough to hear what he says. 'He calls his own sheep by name.' It was when Mary heard her name that she knew her Master in the garden after His resurrection. 'Master!' she cried, in recognition of His lordship over her.

The way you keep your house, the way you organize your time, the care you take in your personal appearance, the things you spend your money on all speak loudly about what you believe. 'The beauty of Thy peace' shines forth in an ordered life. A disordered life speaks loudly of disorder in the soul."

i struggle with the area of submission...i'm not gonna lie. i did not have a lot of discipline growing up. my mom raised my sister and me by herself and because she had to support us, she was gone a lot. i knew i could get away with just about anything. how are we to learn to believe and obey God if we have not been taught from earliest childhood to believe and obey the one(s) He puts over us? because i did not believe my mom would follow through with disciplining me, i didn't feel like i had to obey her. this way of thinking has affected my relationship with the Lord. i have no problem with believing IN God, but i do struggle with believing Him... which leads me to struggle with obedience. i know this issue will effect my future marriage if i don't work on it now. i want to be a submissive wife so badly. i want my husband to think he is the luckiest man alive. but most of all, i want my Father to look down and say to me, "Wow! It might have taken awhile, but I am so proud of the way you have learned to trust and obey Me."

if i can't trust God, who is perfect, never lets me down, never makes a mistake, never says "oops", always forgives, and loves me unconditionally, i am setting my future husband up to fail. who can live up to God?! 

Lord, i want to trust You more than anything. i have the head knowledge, i just need to grasp it in my heart. i know i rely way too much on my feelings. i ask that when i'm feeling the need to take control because i happen to know what's best, You gently whisper in my ear, that You're in control. i surrender the right that i think i have to control my life. You have never let me down. You have always provided and protected me. i need order back in my life. i need discipline. i have so much free time on my hands right now and i want to use it wisely. i am an absolute wreck without you, God... a complete mess. i don't want to have circumstantial faith. thank You for sending Your Son to this earth so that i can have a personal relationship with You. thank You for strategically placing people and books in my path that help me to grow in grace and knowledge of Your love and trustworthiness. thank You for never letting go of me. thank You for my mom. i know she did the best she could. she rebelled and went her own way for awhile, like i did. but You have redeemed her, as You have, me. thank You for Your grace, love, and mercy. it scares me to death to think of where we'd be without You. thank You for not giving up on me when i am stubborn as all get out. i love You today and i will do what You say.