ghostwriter

Some of you may or may not have read two blog entries I had written in the past 2 days. Due to fear of vulnerability (and thanks to the ever so permanent 'Delete' button), I removed said posts off of my public diary. I have been trying to come up with the perfect words to explain right where I'm at and alas, I have found them on my new friend, Annie's blog from today. With every new day, I learn she and I have A LOT in common... for two people who have never met face-to-face. So from Annie's mouth to God's ears, word-for-word...this is how I feel today:

Some things have happened lately - some things that have left me feeling really lousy. Worse than lousy. I would say "shitty," except then some people might get upset. So I'll just leave it at lousy.

What are these "things" that have happened? Well, take your pick - there's a panoply. But I don't want to talk about them, because then you'll know how lousy I am. And that would only make me feel lousier. But they involve miscommunication, and pride, and fear, and insecurity, and rejection. Aren't those the worst things ever? Maybe not worse than war and famine and death. But still, pretty bad feelings.

Times like this make me want to throw in the towel. I feel like throwing my hands up in exasperation, and saying, "Fine, I GIVE UP." I'm tired of trying, tired of tripping, tired of failing, tired of disappointing.

Sometimes I wish that Jesus would just come back.

I feel lousy. But today, I'm going to try to choose hope instead. I'm only a little ragamuffin, making my way as best as I know how. None of us will escape the hard times and the pain and the quiet moments where we question the value of who we are at our very core. But we are called to a long obedience in the same direction, day after day, no matter what. So...

Courage. Onward. And praise the Lord, really.